The Gospel According to St.Titleist

1. Eighteen holes of match play will teach you more about your foe than 18 years of dealing with him across a desk. — Grantland Rice

2. Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five. — John Updike

3. It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the world is when one is playing golf. — Robert Lynd

4. If profanity had any influence on the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is. — Horace G. Hutchinson

5. They say golf is like life, but don’t believe them. Golf is more complicated than that. — Gardner Dickinson

6. If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork as poorly as they do a golf club, they’d starve to death. — Sam Snead

7. Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness. — William Wordsworth

8. If you drink, don’t drive. Don’t even putt. — Dean Martin

9. If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don’t have to waste energy going back to pick it up. — Tommy Bolt

10. Man blames fate for all other accidents, but feels personally responsible when he makes a hole-in-one. — Bishop Sheen

11. I don’t say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they’d come up sliced. — Arnold Palmer

12. My handicap? Woods and irons. — Chris Codiroli

13. The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flag stick on top. — Pete Dye

14. I’m hitting the woods just great; but having a terrible time getting out of them! — Buddy Hackett

15. The only time my prayers are never answered is playing golf. — Billy Graham

16. If you think it’s hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. — Jack Lemmon

17. It’s good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling. — Mark Twain

18. Don’t play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty. — Harry Vardon

19. Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at either of them. — Jimmy DeMaret

20. May thy ball lie in green pastures, and not in still waters. — Ben Hogan

21. If I hit it right, it’s a slice. If I hit it left, it’s a hook. If I hit it straight, it’s a miracle. — Anon

22. The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can’t improve your lie. — George Deukmejian

23. Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe. — Lee Trevino

24. Reason they call it golf is cuz all the other four-letter words were taken. — Woody Woodbury

Finally:
25. The No. 1 Golf rule you MUST follow: Take the car keys out of your golf bag before you throw it into the creek.